


Losing His Way

by Skitzer1985



Series: The Redemption of Jeffrey Winger [2]
Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Drinking to Cope, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, prescription abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:14:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25585003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skitzer1985/pseuds/Skitzer1985
Summary: It's been six months since they escaped underground. But did Jeff ever really escape?
Relationships: Annie Edison/Jeff Winger
Series: The Redemption of Jeffrey Winger [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854319
Comments: 23
Kudos: 41





	1. What Follows After

**Author's Note:**

> Hi All,
> 
> Here comes the sequel to The Recko-Dean Saga. If you ever feel like you need help, please, call someone you can talk to. You are never alone.
> 
> Shout out to the Discord Crew as well. Come join us.....
> 
> \---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Annie ran lightly up the steps to Jeff and her apartment. It had been six months since the ordeal with Craig, and she was returning from another AA meeting. While she hadn't relapsed, after the drug abuse she had been subjected to, she didn’t want the risk. It felt good for her to have a support network in place. While Jeff had been supportive and going with her for her first few until she felt comfortable again, it felt good to do something for her own mental wellbeing. It was different from last time where she had to attend these meetings alone, catching the bus and sitting, hunched into the smallest possible position so no one noticed her. She now sat tall, talking as much as she could, trying to come to terms with what had transpired for her to be here now.

She had offered to Jeff that if he needed any support from her, all he had to do was ask. He had given her a dour little smile, nodding his thanks. She had noted in her head sadly that his grins no longer reached his eyes. Those eyes once had held so much life, merriment and mischief now held nothing. Those eyes she had loved so dearly now held a vast ocean of empty. He had said that he was going to therapy sessions with his doctor twice weekly. She knew that he came home with a haunted look on his face, not saying anything as he walked through the door, heading to the kitchen of their apartment and reaching for the ever-present scotch bottle. More often than not, he sat alone in his thoughts, his tumbler never going dry of a night-time until he passed out on the couch. When she came home of an evening from her own support groups, her heart broke a little more each time she saw his unconscious form, slumped on the couch, face grey with sorrow as he whimpered in his sleep.

Annie fumbled in her handbag for her keys, juggling the brown grocery bag of food she picked up from the grocers to make dinner for them tonight. Jeff barely ate these days, but she still tried. The wind pulled at the scarf around her neck, giving the still-healing scar on her throat goosebumps as she moved her hand through her bag. She remembered being in the hospital, thick white bandages around her neck, covering the wound on her neck given to her by Craig on his flight away from Jeff. Jeff had gone through hell, been blown up, wounded, had actually died and brought back to save her. Even now, she still shuddered at the thought of how close she had been to losing him forever.

Finally finding her keys, she moved up the final step to the keyed front door, turning the deadbolt in the door with a solid sounding _“thunk”_ as she pressed her flat ballet shoed foot to the door, flicking it open. The deadbolt on the front door had been supplied to the apartment complex on behalf of both the city and the college, after Craig’s disappearance from the transport van after his sentencing. There had been a slight scare, the night he escaped there was an unknown knock at the door. Neither Jeff nor Annie had gotten up to have a look who was at the door, they just sped dialled the cops. They never found out who it was, and they weren’t willing to find out. Last they had heard, Craig had been spotted crossing the border into Canada, dressed in one of his outfits and hopefully slipping from their lives forever.

She moved through the doorway, letting the solid door close behind her, moving towards the letterboxes and quickly thumbing open the flap, not find anything in there and letting it fall shut with a clang. The loud clanging sound made her jump slightly. While she knew she was in a safe place, with a security guard no more than a few steps away behind his counter, loud noises still made her jump. Jeff wasn’t much better, if anything his reaction to them was worse. She’d seen him freak out in the study hall when a textbook was dropped to loudly on the tabletop, jumping from his seat, grabbing Annie and diving to the floor before anyone had time to react. Jeff had slowly withdrawn from the Group, missing a session once or twice a week to slowly missing them all, along with classes as he didn’t like being in area’s he couldn’t easily view or control.

She moved her way towards the elevator, pressing the up button and waiting for the elevator to arrive. She looked in the bag she was carrying, looking through the ingredients and mumbling to herself.

“Kale, Spinach, Almond Milk, Mushrooms, Steak”

Everything looked to be there. She was hoping to make Jeff a good meal tonight, to get him to eat and try to help him get a full nights sleep. Some nights she sat next to him in bed, as he lightly dozed and whimpered, holding his chest where the explosion had burnt his skin, calling out his brother’s name. One night, she sat with him in the cupboard as thunder went off above them. As much as she tried, she couldn’t relate to his issues. She knew he was haunted by the lives he had to take to save theirs. Once, deep into a drink, he told her that he saw their faces, cold and stiff staring up at him, accusingly. He pictured them having friends, families and lovers who were now robbed of their companionship. She also took note of the refill she got Jeff while she was out. Sleeping Pills, Halcion, had been prescribed to him by his therapist were floating around the bottom of the bag, hoping that his exhaustion was making it worse, and some sleep would help him start to deal with it.

The elevator made a soft ‘ _bing’_ sound as it arrived on the second floor. Annie stepped out of the elevator, keys still in hand as she moved over towards their apartment, shaking loose her door key. She stopped for a second, a chill running over her skin as she moved in close to the door. She shuddered as the feeling washed over her, pressing the key into the lock and turning, again, making a deadbolt go _‘thunk’_ as it slid back into the lock mechanism. She turned the door handle, turning her back to the door and pushing it open. She turned around looking down at the deadbolt to remove her keys.

“Jeff, I’m home” she called out, not wanting to alarm him. She looked over to the couch, noticing him not sitting in his usual spot “hmm, he must be having a shower” she spoke out loud, moving toward the kitchen area to drop the bag on the counter.

Then she saw him. His eyes were closed, lying on the floor between the couch and the coffee table. His glass of scotch spilled in front of him with the tumbler lying on its side. His old prescription was on the tabletop, bottle opened and pills strewn over the table. She never heard the grocery bag hit the floor as she slid to a stop next to him.

“Jeff!” “Jeff! Can you hear me? Jeff!” she shouted, desperate to get any sort of response from him. She lent down, placing her head against his chest, feeling his heartbeat jump around in his chest.

Time stood still, Annie’s movements became imperceptible to the naked eye as time to Jeff spread out before him.


	2. Awakenings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Annie runs to Jeff's side.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to the Discord Crew as well. Come join us.....

It never registered to Jeff when he woke up, one second, he was floating on a sea of endless black, next second, he was sitting down, feet flat on the ground and arms resting across his knees. He raised his head, opening his eyes and squinting from the brightness of his surroundings. His head sunk again, a rhythmic pounding coming from behind his eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the pounding until it receded into the background.

He looked up again, finally noticing something was wrong. He stood up, slowly as to not get dizzy. He looked around, taking note of his surroundings. White, an endless, boundless void of white. He couldn’t see where the light was coming from, it looked like it was coming from everywhere. He couldn’t make out a horizon or any features to tell him where he was.

“Hello!” he called out, hearing his voice echo over the boundless nothing, feeling his voice reverberate inside his head. He spun around, looking for something, anything to tell him where he was. A thought struck him, not a thought, like a long-forgotten memory from when he was caught in the explosion that almost killed him. Reflexively, his hand drifted to his chest, a constant reminder of the searing heat the explosion was, and the force that pushed him back forcibly into the wall.

“I remember this place, what was it again?” he racked his brain, trying to clear the fog that had taken up permanence in his head. “A man, a tall man in a Black Hoodie telling me it wasn’t time to meet yet” A thought suddenly crossed his mind, filling him with dread, his face losing what little colour it had left in the pale white light “Am I dead?”

A chuckle came from behind him. Jeff spun around, turning to find the source of the noise. A dark, inky patch was forming on the ground behind him, slowly moving upwards, forming a rough outline of a man. The shape stepped out of the dark patch, becoming whole. Again, just like before, stood a man-shaped object, coalescing into a defined shape. Two arms and a head like shape emerged from the shape, followed by a torso, waist and legs. A black hoodie and dark designer jeans became apparent as the shape stopped being fuzzy and started moving towards Jeff.

Jeff, stuck in place with fear, looked horrified as the now person shape moved towards him with a familiar gait. The chuckling continued as the man got closer to him, his hollow laugh chilling Jeff even more. He continued to walk towards Jeff, stopping just outside of arms reach.

“Welcome back, Jeffrey Tobias Winger, we’ve been expecting you.”

Jeff was rocked by this statement “You’ve been waiting for me?”

“Of course, We always have been waiting for you” the hollow voice said from under the hood “It’s time for us to have a little discussion”

“A discussion? A discussion about what? Where am I? Where is this?” Jeff asked, still scared.

The voice chucked again “Why, about us of course?”

“Us, what do you mean us?”

The man again chuckled to himself, his hollow laugh, both sounding familiar and still chilling Jeff. He reached up to remove his hoods, Jeff finally noticing his hands, discolored and scarred. His hands reached the sides of his hood, gripping either side and pulling it back over his head. Jeff audibly gasps at the man’s visage.

Jeff was greeted with an image of himself, also discolored and scarred, hair missing in places, teeth yellowed and cracked. What was worse was his eyes, reptilian in shape, blue iris’ with slits down the center.

The man lifted his hand, running it through the last sections of hair he had left. His voice, now no longer hollow, sounded like a raspy version of Jeff’s “So, Jeff, welcome to your Sub Conscious, your waking dreams” he turned around, looking at the White Void “Man, you’ve really screwed it up in here haven’t you?”

***  
  
It took a while for Jeff to be able to form words. He stood there, rocked by the revelations. He finally managed to form words “Am I Dead?” he asked again.  
  
Doppel Jeff chuckled, his chuckle still sounding raspy “No, not yet, and that’s really up to you. You’re on the cusp of dying. What you do and decide in here will decide that for out there”

“What do you mean?”

“If you give up in here, you won’t return to out there, and all of this” He made a sweeping gesture at his surrounds “Will fade to black, and that’s it”

Jeff now asked the question he first thought of when he saw himself “What happened to you?”

“Happened to us you mean? This is how you picture yourself. A Monster” he held up the palms of his hands to face Jeff, allowing viscous liquid to drip off them, disappearing before it hit the floor “A Monster will blood on his hands.”

“I’d never picture myself like” he gestured to Doppel Jeff “like that”

“And yet here we are, I’m your inner self, I’m what you don’t want to see when you look in the mirror. I am what you are afraid of Annie seeing when she looks at you with those sad blue eyes”

Jeff turned away, trying to avoid the sight in front of him. Doppel Jeff came over, standing before Jeff, watching with questioning in his eyes. “Why are you so surprised? This is what how you picture us, and in here, you can’t lie to us”

Jeff looked up, faintly hearing a murmur on the very edge of his hearing “Can you hear that?” he asked Doppel Jeff “What is that?”

“We are dead and not dead, so you can still hear what is going on in the real world” He cocked his head to the side “Sounds like Annie”

Now that Doppel Jeff had identified the sound, Jeff could make it out a lot clearer now _“Jeff, I’m home”_ he strained to hear her _“Hmm, he must be having a shower”_

“Why can I only just hear her?” Jeff asked?

“Your so full of questions aren't you?" Doppel Jeff shook his head "You’ve deep inside our head right now, so getting sound from the outside isn’t as easy as it usually is” Doppel Jeff explained

“Okay, So why am I here?” Jeff finally dared to ask

“We are here for us to make a decision.”

“And what’s that?” Jeff asked, puzzled by the cryptic answer.

“To decide if we are ready to start moving on from the hand that’s been dealt us, or allow all of this to fade to black”

“How do I move on from what I’ve done?” Jeff asked, eyes downcast to his feet.

Doppel Jeff’s shape turned into a rough haze, colors and shapes moving around under the haze, the haze dropped, leaving Britta standing there before him, her skin taking on the discolored and scarred look “That’s for you to decide, and in here, you have all the time in the world. Jackass”

“Britta? You’re in here too?” Jeff exclaimed, stepping back slightly.

“Duh-Doy. You accepted us into your life years ago, sometime between being a total jackass and trying to get into my pants and showing up to Annie’s Halloween Party. That’s when your life changed, somewhere between those moments, you stopped thinking about us as things you could use to get yourself further and back onto a path of the Jackass, and started to accept that we were part of you” Doppel Britta dry retched “God, never thought I’d say anything mushy about you ever, but here we are”

“Britta, I don’t think your style of therapy is what I really need right now” Jeff absently remarked, trying to come to grips with everything that had been said so far since he woke up.

A large cracking sound startled them both, causing them both to spin around, behind them, a large crack had appeared on the ground, running perpendicular to them. They watched as the ground on the far side of the crack fell away into nothingness.


	3. Confronting the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff continues on his journey into his own mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my wife for her continued support and putting up with my continued crap.
> 
> Shout out to the Discord Crew as well. Come join us.....
> 
> \----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeff and Doppel Britta turned to face each other. Doppel Britta shimmered back to their original shape, becoming Doppel Jeff again.

“What is that?” Jeff asked when the form had solidified again.

“That is part of our conscious breaking apart. Part of us dying”

“Dying?”

“Yes, that Black you see over there” he pointed now to the black void “is what this place will become if we die. That is the nothingness of a non-existence. That is what I mean by letting this all fade to black” Doppel Jeff turned away, pointing in the distance “Let's walk this way”

“This way, that way, what does it matter?”

Doppel Jeff pointed into the far distance. Jeff squinted against the light of the white void, managing to make out a small, dot on the far edge of his vision.

“What is that?”

“It’s where we must get to if we have any chance of surviving”

“That’s a long way” Jeff mused to himself

“Gives us time to talk”

“Talk? Talk about what?” Jeff asked

“Talk about why you are here” Doppel Jeff replied slowly, drawing out his words.

Jeff fell into silence, the sounds of his footsteps carrying across the empty expanse of the void as Doppel Jeff continued beside him. Not moving his eyes from the distant point, he continued, his thoughts racing.

“You know, we are a manifestation of your thoughts, we can hear everything, so why don’t you just say it out loud? Our therapist said sometimes that can help us put our thoughts into order”

“Firstly, that’s really creepy” Jeff started

“No, it’s not, we are you” Doppel Jeff interrupted

Jeff shot him a glare “Secondly, where do I start? I’ve taken a life. I’ve taken multiple lives. Could I have done it differently? Could I have given them the choice of whether they lived or died? People are dead, families are in mourning, children without fathers, wives without husbands, parents without sons, because of actions that I took. Actions that I thought I had to take at that point in time. Hindsight is a great thing, or so I’m told.”

“You did what you thought was right at the time. You were only trying to save your friends”

“I couldn’t save all of them” Jeff replied, still staring at the point far in the distance “We’ve been walking for a while now, shouldn’t we be getting closer”

Doppel Jeff shimmered again into Doppel Britta “Don’t change the subject Jackass. That point won’t get closer until we are ready”

“What do you mean?” Jeff asked, finally looking at the figure walking beside him, groaning when he saw their new shape.

“Don’t start with me dumbass. Everything in here is relative to your current situation. That point isn’t closer yet because you have decided your not ready to be closer to it”

“That’s stupid, you know that right”

“You’re the one in control here, we are just here along for the ride” Doppel Britta shrugged

Jeff stopped walking, looking suspiciously at the manifestation of Britta walking beside him “So, the avatar you show me is?”

“Who you think would be best for you to talk things through with. If Britta finds out that you picture her therapizing you in your head, her head is going to explode, you know that right”

“Ugh, even a made-up version of you in my head is the worst” Jeff groaned, running a hand over his face in mock exhaustion. Doppel Britta stuck her tongue out at him.

They started walking again, footsteps echoing in the silence of the void around them. Doppel Britta looked at Jeff. “Why don’t you finally say out loud what you really think. Remember, we know your thoughts, so out with it”

Jeff sighed “How can people stand to be around me? I’m a murderer, people have died because of me, why do they look at me with pity and sadness in their eyes? They should be looking at me with fear and hatred in their eyes, the same look I see when I look in the mirror”

“The same look you expect from Annie when she looks at you”

The mention of her name sent shockwaves across the void. Faintly, he could hear her voice _“Jeff! Jeff! Can you hear me? Jeff!”_ He could feel her phantom hands around his shoulders.

Jeff put his hands on his knees, trying to steady himself as the ground shook below him “What is going on?” He screamed over the grinding and cracking sound of the void dropping away behind him.

Doppel Britta stood there, unperturbed by the movement of the ground around her “Annie must have found us, by the feel of it she’s trying to shake us awake.” The shaking stopped as quickly as it began.

Jeff stood up, patting himself down to make sure he was okay “I don’t know why she still cares”

“That’s something not even we can understand. Why have you been trying to push her away? Do you not love her anymore?”

“Of course I do” Jeff snapped at Doppel Britta, spit flying across the distance between them “But she needs someone who isn’t as damaged as me.” He took a deep breath “She needs someone who can support her, not her having to support someone else. She went through Hell in that place because of him”

Doppel Britta replied softly “But so did you”

“And those are my demons to bear, not hers. She has her own issues from that place, and she doesn’t get to deal with them properly because I’m not able to help her”

“She wouldn’t be with you unless she wanted to be”

Jeff fell silent at that point, feel shuffling against the smooth white expanse, thinking of a way to change the subject “I went to see William Sr after we got out and Annie came home. I sat down in front of him and told him how his son died.”

“We know, we were there” Doppel Britta replied.

“I expected to see something in his eyes. Hate, loathing, sadness, some sort of reaction to that fact the son he raised had been killed by the son he left behind, and you know what? I saw nothing in his eyes. Nothing. Who can sit there and be told that and not even react?”

Doppel Britta remained silent, keeping pace with Jeff as he strode towards the distant horizon. “That was his reaction while you were there, you don’t know what he was like when you left”

“Maybe he thought it was Karma, the son he left leaving him with nothing”

“That’s not the point here, is it? You want to know that someone other than yourself hates you for what you’ve done? But so far you’ve only felt sympathy and pity. Emotions you don’t feel you deserve” Doppel Britta remarked

“Nobody understands. if they did they would run from me”

“Annie has tried, you know that. She’s always tried to understand you, even in the early days of being a” She held up her fingers, making inverted comma symbols “ _A Board-Certified Tutor”_

Around Jeff, the area shimmered and undulated, becoming indistinct and hazy. Slowly, shapes began to appear, the leg of a table, the seat of a chair, and a panel of a ceiling. Suddenly, Jeff was standing in Study Room F. Jeff rocked to a stop to avoid walking into the table in front of him. “What the hell?” he exclaimed, jumping back from shock. A noise behind him caused him to turn around, watching the study group minus him walk into the room and take their normal seats.

_Annie looked up at the group “I guess Jeff's running late again.”_

_Britta remarked “Oh, what a shame. Maybe we should get started...”_

_Shirley responded “No, no, no. I think we should wait for Jeff before we start studying.”_

_Annie shyly said, “But maybe when Jeff gets here, we could talk to him, as a group, about his tardiness.”_

_Pierce broadly exclaimed “Oh, come on now. Don't use that word around Abed. If you want me to have a chat with Jeff, I'd do it. We've got a bond going, kind of, sort of like brothers.”_

_Troy looked confused “I hope your mom didn't make you take baths together because one of you would have been like 30.”_

_Annie forced a laugh “Ha, ha, ha.”_

_Shirley giggled “That's funny.”_

_Pierce said defensively “You know Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't have to sit through your tardiness. Sorry, Abed.”_

_Britta exploded “Hey, will you guys have some self-respect? You are obsessing over someone who does not give you a second thought. Meanwhile, in Guatemala, journalists are being killed by their own government.”_

_Shirley asked inquisitively “Baby, you done jumped a column there. What's happening in Guatemala?”_

_Britta waved her off “Nothing.”_

_Annie gasped, hand raised to her chest in concern “Journalists are being murdered?”_

_Britta sighed “Believe me, every day in that country, people are being killed for speaking out and the worst part of it is, when it's all over...”_

_Abed held his hands over his ears “Spoilers.”_

_Britta held Abed’s hand, speaking slowly like a mother explaining something to a small child “...It's gonna be as if it never happened. Hey, Abed, real stories, they don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different, right?”_

_Jeff entered the room, attempting to make a big entrance “He-e-e-ey!” He was greeted by a shout from the assembled group. Jeff began to walk around the study table to greet each member personally._

_Jeff kissed Annie’s hand “Milady.”_

_Annie blushed as she replied “Milord.”_

Doppel Britta raised a hand, and as the scene slowly faded away, Jeff’s image was still moving around the table. “That’s when you knew that she started caring for you.” Jeff didn’t even feel the tears sliding down his face and falling to the disappearing carpet beneath him.

****


	4. You don't choose your father.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeffrey continues his journey to this center of his being with his travelling companions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thanks for still reading this. I'm still working on this one slowly, hopefully more updates to come.
> 
> ********
> 
> Come join us in the Community Discord #Fanfic Channel
> 
> https://discord.gg/hGSKsqr
> 
> ********

They both stood there in the fading scene, watching Jeff slowly moving around the Study Room Table. Doppel Britta stood there, staring at Jeff as the tears rolled down his cheeks, getting caught in his beard on their downward trail to the floor.

“God, that feels like so long ago” Jeff finally manages to say, voice still choked with the emotions playing in his head. Jeff turned to Doppel Britta, staring into her blue reptilian eyes. “How did I forget?”

“A lot has happened between then and now. You’ve dealt with a lot since then” Doppel Britta replied, looking at Jeff.

“I’ve been fine” Jeff retorted back, staring at the floor “I’ve been getting by just fine on my own, have ever since William left my mother”

“But have you? Isn’t my presence evidence enough that you haven’t been” She raised her hands in making symbols in the air “on your own?”

Stubbornly, Jeff stuck his hands into his pockets, not wanting to make eye contact with Doppel Britta standing beside him “I’ve been fine” he mumbled, more to himself than anything. He turned to look back at the encroaching darkness behind him, before turning to the vast white plane in front of him. “How much further to go? Are we actually getting any closer?”

“That’s up to you, we are in your head. But let’s keep walking” Doppel Britta shrugged, lifting her left foot to step forward away from the slowly encroaching darkness behind them.

Jeff locked stepped beside her, his eyes still downcast to the white ground below him as they walked in silence for what seemed like an hour or more, their footsteps echoing through the vastness of nothing around them.

Doppel Britta looked at Jeff as they walked, words on the edge of her lips before she took a deep breath “Before, you mentioned your Dad”

“William” Jeff cut her off “He lost that right when he walked out on Mom and me”

“William, then” Doppel Britta continued “Why did you do that? I didn’t bring him up”

Jeff shrugged as he continued to walk in step with the reptilian Britta walking beside him “Real Britta always makes out that I’ve got father Issues, I guess talking to you made me think of him for a minute”

Doppel Britta shimmered, her form turning fluid as she shifted in her step, growing taller and slightly rounder in the mid-section “Jeffrey my boy” Pierces voice rang out from the figure beside him “Fathers only want what is best for their children”

Jeffrey laughed in disgust “What father wants what’s best for his children walks out on their son and their mother?”

The form stopped shifting, the glow fading, being replaced by Peirce walking in step with Jeffrey, not missing a step in his sudden transformation. Like Doppel Britta, Peirce’s features took on a reptilian cast to them, his iris' and pupils still in the shape of slits, his skim still dry, scaled, giving off a slightly mottled cast to it, a slight hissing sound on the end of his words. He was dressed in a Gray turtleneck and vest, matching to their first day in their study group. “Jeffrey” he continued ‘While, in life, I was never able to have children of my own, I always wanted you all to feel that you could think of me like a, well” he paused “A sort of father figure in your lives.”

“Yeah, that was never going to happen” Jeffrey snorted derisively.

Doppel Peirce continued “And yes, while I wasn’t happy that you defiled my sweet stepdaughter, Amber, you’ve more than proven yourself in protecting and caring for my favourite daughter, Annie”

At the mention of her name, Jeffrey stumbled in his step for a split second before he caught himself and continued walking, his feet echoing against the void less expanse.

“What are you doing here Pierce?”

“I could ask you the same thing” Peirce retorted, a look of sadness on his face, “I’m here because you mentioned your father and thought of me” He chuckled “That, or you're finally ready to admit your Gayness”

“Shut up Peirce” Jeffrey replied, a look of anger flashing across his face. He turned to Peirce, staring into his dark brown reptilian eyes as they moved towards the horizon. Jeff turned and looked away “I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me, the reason why William walked out was that I came along and he found the idea of having a son repulsed him enough that he had no other choice but to get in his car one day and not come back.” Jeff scuffed his feet along the ground, the sound of his heels clicking against the smooth white surface of the ground below him.

Doppel Peirce just walked in step beside him, his eyes looking forward as Jeff continued “What if” he started “What if I did the same?”

“Did the same?” Peirce asked, turning to look at Jeff without missing a step

“What if I had a kid? Would I do the same? Would I end up walking out on the kid and the mother? Would my legacy be to have another child out there wondering what is wrong with them?”

“Do you really think Annie would let you do that?” Pierce asked, his features taking a smug cast as he grinned

“Who says the mother of my child will be Annie?” Jeff responded defensively

“Do you see it being anyone else?” Peirce replied, his hand coming up to rest of Jeff’s shoulder as they walked into the distance, the black void nipping at their heels.

“If I am being honest with myself, I’ve never really seen myself having children with anyone. I did daydream once about a child called Sebastian” Jeff admitted.

Jeff suddenly felt a weight against his chest, his hand curling into a fist as he placed it against the center of his chest “What” he gasped “What is happening?” in his growing hysteria, he stopped walking, the feeling of phantom of hair across the nape of his neck.

Doppel Pierce stopped beside Jeff, a look of concern on his face as he stared intently at Jeff, who was still holding his hand against his chest in worry. The concern washed over Pierce’s reptilian face as he realized what is happening “It’s okay, I would assume in the real world, Annie has put her head against your chest, listening for a heartbeat and breathing”

Jeff raised his other hand, the phantom feeling of hair against the nape of his neck feeling both strange and comforting at the same time. He could almost smell the scent of her shampoo in the breeze around him.

Suddenly the feeling of the weight fell off his chest, and they continued walking, the black void never slowing in its relentless march to catch them. Jeff peered off into the distance, his eyes creasing up into little wrinkles at the corners as he investigated the distance. “Is it just me, or are we actually getting closer to the building in the distance?”

“Depends, do you feel ready to understand why you keep that part of you walled off from everyone else?”

The building in the distance, the one that Jeff had been starting to make out the outline of, suddenly receded into the distance, his eyes now falling to his feet as he stopped.

Peirce looked at Jeff, and then looked back at the rapidly receding building in front of them “Obviously not” he turned his head to look into the distance, looking at the now stopped outline, squinting his eyes in exaggeration “Back to the topic on hand Jeffery my boy, you’re the one who is controlling all of this, and you’re the one controlling who you are talking to. So, why do you think you’d turn out to be like your father?”

Jeff scuffed his feet as they walked, mumbling something along the lines “sins of the father, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” until he straightened his shoulders, finally ready to address the reason “Because I’ve done it before. I once had a girlfriend, nothing serious, we were just having fun and she told me that she had a kid.” He let out a loud, long breath “I was having fun and wasn’t ready to stop so I told her that was okay and that of course I’d come and watch her kid's little league game. She seemed happy and told me her son was excited to meet me. I did turn up to the game, I sat in my car on the far side of the field, It all became too much for me and I ghosted them. I watched her face from a distance go pale and fall as the game went on and I didn’t show up, and her son looked upset the entire game. I thought I was doing the right thing for myself, I thought I had dodged a bullet, and that’s all I was worried about back then”

“And now?” Peirce prodded, his face hopeful.

“And now, I don’t think I could do the same. When I think what I did back then, thinking about her face and her son’s face falling when they realized I wasn’t coming like I said I would, I feel sick to the stomach. I’ve always been afraid, that if I ever had my own kid, that I would start to feel that everything was being to get real and I’d ghost on my own child.” He turned to face Peirce “But no, I’m not my father, I can choose who I am, and how I am, what I am” he announced, posture straightening as he came to the realization that he could choose who he wanted to be, he didn’t need to be a carbon copy of William Snr.

Peirce smiled as he watched Jeff straighten up “That’s great Jeffrey, that’s great. It’s something I wish I could have figured out while I was still alive. Maybe I would have, had I had more of it. That’s the thing isn’t it, you don’t know how much time you have until you don’t have it anymore”

Jeff chuckled “That’s one of your better pieces of advice my old friend”

“Yeah, well, don’t forget it my boy” Peirce said, his form shimmering back into a fluid shape as the dark hooded Jeff returned, his skin looking clearer, less scaled, more human than before continued Pierces step, moving towards the distant point each step taking them towards their eventual goal.

The creeping black void continued behind them, eagerly attempting to catch them in their journey onwards.


End file.
